Hangin' with Anger and Pain! ;P

Solo podcast! After a recent shoulder injury, I've been learning how to be with pain, and I've gotten to receive a lot of lessons in that experience that can be applied to other areas of my life. One major lesson is seeing 
 
 I also explore in the episode how I've come to see that I've been repressing anger for some time. I've began to see how and why I've been doing that and have found new ways to relate to anger that honors the emotion and allows it to move on. 

Transcript

Quearly beloveds. We are gathered here today for some juicy conversations about all things spiritually, queer and queerly spiritual. I'm Sylvia. Will gather rainbow, a spiritual life coach, retreat host with the most and a drag queen, and I'll be chatting with the most amazing folks, or simply sharings of wisdom on my own. If you like what I'm serving, please remember to subscribe so we can keep hanging out. All right, let's get super woo together in this spiritual AF, queer AF, cosmic container, and blast off. 
Hello beloveds, and welcome back to another episode of queerly Beloved. Today's episode is a solo Podcast. I'm so happy to be with you today, and I hope you're having the most fabulous, enjoyable summer possible. I hope that maybe you're listening to this as you're taking some beautiful road trip, or maybe you're sitting by the pool or by the ocean. And a quick request if you do have time, you know, if you're having a lovely, lazy, summery day, and you're listening to this, and you've got three to five minutes to spare, I would love it. Love it. Love it. If you would be so kind as to leave me a five star review. It really helps me build this podcast, and if you're enjoying it, I would just so appreciate any support that you can offer to help me in that process, because I would like to get this podcast and these messages out to more folks. So thank you again for listening and for being a supporter. So in today's podcast, I'm actually going to talk about some stuff that is not very typical for this podcast, right? So in a lot of my podcasts, especially the solo ones I'm talking about, like creativity and playfulness and self love. Well, today in this solo podcast, I'm talking about anger and I'm talking about pain. And what happened is I recently had a shoulder injury and then I got a cold at the same time, not a very good combination, I do not recommend that to anyone, but the experience really taught me about my relationship with pain, and I was able to receive some really valuable nuggets of wisdom from those teachings. It also helped me look at my relationship with anger and see how I've been subconsciously repressing anger, and how I've been doing that, and why it's important to change that, and some ways that I found to do that. I also want to talk about the value of being conscious of our emotions and our relationship with our emotions in general. So those are some of the points we're going to go through today. So let's get into it. Shall we? So first of all, this shoulder injury, so, yeah, it happened while I was at an F 45 class. There was a guy next to me. We were doing these presses, these like flies, I think they're called. And the guy next to me grabbed the weight that I usually use, and instead of going down in weight, I went up in weight. I decided, for whatever reason, to push myself that day, and it was a mistake, because as soon as I tried my arm, my right arm specifically spasmed, and I couldn't hold the weight, and I tried to kind of push through it. I finished my workout. I stretched the next day, I went to a beaker class, and it all just seemed to make it worse, and before I knew it, I was in chronic pain, like my shoulder was hurting consistently, and then at night, it would get even worse. And I'm not very used to Well, honestly, I don't think I've ever experienced chronic pain like this before. I just have not had a lot of injuries, knock on wood. And so this was new for me. And when I would be in bed trying to sleep, it was like there were no positions where I could be comfortable. And what I started to do is I would struggle. I would go from one position to the next to the next. And what I was finding was that resisting the pain was actually making it worse, and it was actually preventing me from experiencing any rest and any peace. And so what I came to discover is that what was a better strategy in this situation was to actually be with the pain, to allow myself to have the experience of pain, to breathe into it, and in so doing, I was able to release some of the pain and experience some peace and some rest. And so I think what was new for me the learning there was that pain and peace can coexist, and knowing that it also has me think about these other areas of life where I have beliefs or stories that I can't be at peace until something is resolved, for example, and the realization that that's not true that I can find. Peace, even when a difficult situation is present in my life, or even when a difficult relationship is being challenged, that I can work towards a solution while also being at peace with what is present and so acceptance is a really beautiful key learning that I've been taking away from this experience of pain. Now what happened next was I the shoulder was getting better, but it wasn't fixed, and then I got this nasty cold, and so now I was experiencing both this shoulder that was keeping me from falling asleep, and then also this cold where I couldn't breathe. My throat was sore. Sometimes I was experiencing fever, and it was just like, super intense for me. And I'm not trying to, like, make this podcast a thirst trap for sympathy, and I'm not trying to sound like some complaining, you know, baby, but it was really intense for me, and I just kept trying to push through it right, and in this situation right. So as much as I just said that acceptance can be so powerful and so important, the realization was that sometimes I have been accepting life's situations in almost like a spiritual bypassy kind of way, where I'm telling myself it's all good, I'm reframing it, and then I'm moving to this Place of false peace. I'm moving to this place of a not pure positive, high vibration relationship with what's going on. And essentially what I'm doing is I'm not giving myself room to be angry and upset. And so this was bringing me this new awareness of my relationship with anger and helping me see how I've been repressing it. And it's very interesting that this was coming up for me because I had recently done a theta healing session with Edward duel, shout out to my friend and teacher, Edward, and in it, we talked about my liver, because I'd been getting some high numbers in my aft results, my liver enzymes. And you know, they're, they're still figuring out what's going on there. But he had mentioned that the anger that the liver is a place where anger is stored. And you know, when he shared this with me, I'm like, Well, I'm not really an angry guy. And, you know, I don't feel like I am suppressing or repressing anger, but the truth is, is that I have been doing it, and I've been doing it on a subconscious level. You know, I like to talk about myself as this chill, laid back guy who generally moves through the world from this very peaceful place. And it is true in many respects. However, some of that is happening not from a completely pure, authentic and real and truthful place. And I'm done with that. I am ready to move to the next level of peace, I am ready to experience peace from a more truthful place, and what that looks like is getting to peace by fully experiencing what I'm experiencing. And so yes, acceptance is so important, and acceptance is such a powerful tool, and reframing things are such a powerful way to have a more peaceful, more joyful experience of life. But before I get there, I need to give myself space to be upset, to be angry, to allow those emotions to move through me. You know, I like to talk about emotions as being energy in motion, so that we don't judge them as good or bad or right or wrong, and that we can see them as simply energy that wants to move through us and anger when it wants to move through us. If it doesn't have the opportunity to move through us. It gets stuck in our bodies. And you know, my intention is to have a body that's super pure and super clean of energies, of all energies, so that I can be a vessel, a vessel that spirit can move through, a vessel that can be open to all possibilities. And so when we've got this backed up emotion stored in our bodies, that's when things start going going south. And so my intention is to give myself more space to be with all emotions. And so once I realized that. I've been subconsciously repressing anger, and now I had this great opportunity to be with anger, because, frankly, I was fucking pissed, like I was so pissed that I was having to have this experience of a painful shoulder, while I'm also experiencing this nasty cold, like I just was like, God, what is going on here universe? Why am I having to deal with this? Like I've been eating well, I've been doing all this great workout. I've been doing my meditation, my prayers, my practices, like, Why should I be experiencing this? And it's clear that there were lessons there for me, and so I'm still in this process of learning how to be in good relationship with anger, and I'm actually planting seeds to do a interview with someone who has some expertise On Being with anger and has some great helpful processes for that experience, and I will hopefully be able to share that soon, but in the meantime, what I've done is simply brought in the energy of anger By thinking about what I'm angry about, and giving myself the opportunity, the invitation, even to throw a little fit right and and doing that has helped me be in touch with the anger. And so what that's looked like is sometimes like screaming into a pillow, sometimes like banging my fists and my feet against the ground and just experiencing anger, and then afterwards, you know, really taking good care of myself, allowing my nervous system to get reregulated, and being really kind to myself, you know, sort of like after a S and M session or something. It's that aftercare, right? So I'm giving myself the space to be with and express the anger, and then I'm also making sure to care for myself afterwards, so that anger has been released, and now I am loving on myself and allowing for that piece to come through. And the experience is a purer piece than what I've experienced in the past. So now I want to go back to some other pieces around the shoulder and some of what I was able to learn from this experience of my heart shoulder, and it's interesting talking about it, I'm starting to feel the pain in my shoulder again, but yeah, one of the things that I realized at some point was that I've actually had issues with my right shoulder for over two years. I can remember getting a massage right before I left for Guatemala and this very spiritual, very incredible person named Samson. Love. Shout out to to love. He was doing this work on my shoulder, and he started to see that it was almost like I had a broken right wing. And I've done some work to heal the wing, but it hasn't been fully figured out yet, and it's been consistent that when I do experience injuries, it's always on my right side, which is interesting, you know, I'm right handed, so it's interesting that in this scenario, when I was doing the flies, that it was my right side that hurt, rather than my left side. You know, when I was doing the same weight on each side, but it's been consistently my right side towards the back. So I like to think of it as my right wing. But I was working with this amazing woman, this amazing woman who does all sorts of great healing work. Her name is chalet. Shout out to chalet, and she was helping me find the focus point of this injury. And when I was able to I started to breathe into it. And what came through to me was that I was carrying a lot of weight on my shoulders, and specifically on my right shoulder, and I was carrying this weight of expectation, this weight of expectations that I've placed on myself around how I am meant to

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embody my vision, this this vision that I feel has been assigned to me and CO created with me and God. And that sometimes I'm carrying this vision and the expectation around this vision as this heavy thing where I get nervous, worried, fearful that I won't fully see this vision through. And when I think about that I have this concern, this fear, that I will disappoint God. I will disappoint my guides. I will disappoint my highest self. I will disappoint my family and my friends around me, and that i Yes, I'm doing a lot in service of my dharma aligned with my purpose, but I haven't reached this vision that I have for myself, of of impact, of creation, of success, of Dharma fulfillment, and that I have held that that distance between where I'm at and where I'm wanting to get to. I've held that as this heavy thing on my shoulders, and the realization was that I am so loved for exactly as I am doing, exactly what I'm doing in this moment and in every moment, and that my family and my friends love me for who I am, that I can love me for who I am and what I'm doing now, and certainly that my guides and that God have infinite love for me, have infinite unconditional love for me exactly as I am with the Life that I've created right now, and that I don't need to hold this weight of expectation, and that it actually doesn't serve me to walk through the world feeling the heaviness of what I'm hoping to accomplish and create. And so it's invited me into this greater experience of peace, you know, once again, going back to this balance of acceptance and peace and finding the sweet spot where I'm allowing myself to feel the negative feelings, but also giving myself permission to accept where I'm at and be at peace with where I'm at. And so as I'm sharing all this, I am feeling like it's still to be sorted out, right? It's still a little bit of a soup, and I'm still figuring out the ingredients of this soup and figuring out how they all work and weave together, and perhaps me sharing this as part of my process of discovering that. But yeah, so I'm in this, this space of learning how to accept where I'm at now and fully love and appreciate and have compassion for myself for where I'm at now, while also holding this vision for what's possible and to know that I am loved for where I'm at now, and that I've got all these people in this physical plane, you know, friends and family and people like you who support me and love me and are cheering me on. And then I've got all this support from the spiritual plane, from my guides, my ancestors, my power animals, my teachers, my angels, my healers and God who are also supporting me and having my back and cheering me on. And so I don't need to carry the weight of this in the way that I've been carrying it, and perhaps by allowing myself to release that weight, perhaps it gives me more permission to expand that right wing and to Feel into this beautiful levity and lightness that is possible when I realized that I am totally supported, I am totally loved, and I'm already creating what I'm meant to create, that I could die today and my life's purpose would be complete, and that is still something that I'm trying to get my head and my heart around, which is probably why the shoulder pain has not totally gone away. But I yeah, I recognize that I'm sharing this kind of while I'm still in this process, while I'm still feeling a little bit raw, I am planning to see a another somatic healer to keep working on this, but I just wanted to go on and drop this into a podcast, because it is what I've been present to for the last few weeks. And I do think that I've already received some great value, and so I wanted to share that value. With you all today, and I'll keep updating you as I as I move through this and perhaps have more clarity around what God has in store with this particular soul lesson. So thank you all so much for being on this journey with me. Thank you for listening again. If you have an opportunity this summer to leave me a review, I'd be so appreciative. Or if you ever want to share episodes with your friends, that would be a great way to support this podcast as well. And thank you for your love. I love you all be well. Oh, my God, as beloveds, what a joy it was to be with you today. Let's hang out again soon. Okay? And if you can think of a friend who would benefit from hearing this, we share it with them, sending so much love and light to you today and every day until next time. Peace. You.

Filena