Healing My Father Wound

In this deeply personal solo episode of Queerly Beloved, I recount my transformative journey of healing my father wound during a Conscious Kink retreat at the Jungle Gayborhood in Costa Rica in late 2024. Amidst the lush jungle, a profound memory emerged during a naked hike, unveiling layers of my father's emotional absence. This revelation led to a powerful role-play ritual, allowing me to reparent myself and mend deep-seated emotional wounds.

Following the retreat, I experienced a series of synchronicities that led me to meet my current partner, illustrating how this healing work opened me to receiving love in new and profound ways. This episode underscores the significance of addressing unhealed wounds and celebrates the transformative power of spiritual and healing practices.

Join me as I explore the depths of personal growth, the magic of conscious kink, and the beauty of recieving love. 

Transcript

Queerly Beloveds, we are gathered here today for some juicy conversations about all things spiritually, queer and queerly spiritual. I'm Sylvia. Wil gather rainbow, a spiritual life coach, retreat host with the most and a drag queen, and I'll be chatting with the most amazing folks, or simply sharings of wisdom on my own. If you like what I'm serving, please remember to subscribe so we can keep hanging out. All right, let's get super woo together in this spiritual AF, queer AF, cosmic container, and blast off. Hello, beloveds. I'm so happy to be with you once again for another episode of queerly beloved today is a solo podcast, and it is a opportunity for me to share about some healing and transformation that took place for me at the end of last year of 2024 and specifically this healing was around my father wound. And for those of you not familiar, the father wound refers to the emotional pain, oftentimes unconsciously stored, that results from a father's absence or neglect or abusive behavior. This absence can be physical, like abandonment or death, or it can be emotional, where the father is present but not emotionally engaged, and I mentioned that it's often unconscious. For me, it was definitely unconscious. It was a wound that I was not aware that I had, and then when I was able to see it, fortunately, I was able to do some work around it and begin the process of healing it. So this story really takes place in the jungles of Costa Rica, and actually, I'll take a step further back, it began when I decided to go to the conscious kink retreat. And for those of you who are regular listeners, you may have listened to me interviewing Shadi Tara, who was the host and facilitator of that conscious kink retreat. And during that interview, I started to feel more and more drawn to attend that retreat. And then I really sat with it, and I had an intuitive hit that going to this retreat was going to help me be set up to meet my romantic partner, potentially my life partner was honestly the message that I was getting, and so I decided to follow that intuition and go and see what this retreat had to offer me, not having ever done transformative and healing work in the context of kink prior to this, but I felt really called to be there, not only because I felt a call to Shadi and his work, and if you haven't listened to that episode, I invite you to go and listen to that interview. He's just an amazing man. They have done such incredible work in the world, and have such a fascinating story and such a fascinating tool belt of tools from many different modalities that they work with. And so I felt very drawn to shoddy and I also felt drawn to the jungle Gabriel, where this took place. And I also had this intuitive hit that this particular experience was going to serve me in, in finding a final piece to the puzzle of me being alone and not being able to meet my partner. So I followed that intuitive hit and I went to the jungle gay hood, which is in the jungles of Costa Rica. And I'm actually going to do another interview soon with the founder of the jungle gabrielhood, Shelby, who is an amazing person. I can't wait for you all to hear that. So you'll get to hear more about this beautiful Mecca, this utopia that is out in the middle of the most beautiful part of Costa Rica's jungles. It has an incredible waterfall that you see right from the place where we do our workshops, and it has access to these other waterfalls and this incredible River, and it's just so lush. It's so well designed, but I'll talk more about that in my interview with Shelby. But I arrived there, and it's funny because I had this thought in my head, I'm gonna do something. There's a reason that I'm here, and it has to do with my romantic partnership. And so I had that in my head. So as I was getting to the retreat center. We were in shuttles that picked us up from the airport, and the different participants were also on the shuttle. And so I started, you know, thinking, Oh, is this going to be my romantic partner? Because in my head it was like there was something literal, like I was going to meet my partner there. You know, that. Must be what this intuitive hit was saying. And I wasn't really feeling like any of them were going to be my husband. I liked them. I was attracted to them, even, and I enjoyed being with them. But I wasn't feeling like, oh, this is my soulmate, but I shared with the group. You know, that part of my being there was I felt like there was some puzzle piece that I was meant to receive that was going to help me find partnership. And the retreat began, and what I came to realize early on was that this retreat wasn't just about tapping into erotic pleasure and the connection of spirit and Eros. This retreat was really aimed and focused on ritual space and creating ritual space that was supportive of healing and transformation. And what I realized was that there would be opportunities for me to do some deep healing work through ritual, conscious kink exploration, if I so chose to do it. But I didn't come knowing what I was working on. You know, I've been really doing very well in life and feeling very happy and peaceful. And yes, I knew that I wanted to work towards finding connection and partnership, but I didn't know how to go about doing that. And then one day, the leaders, so it's Shadi, Tara and Simon, who also was incredible facilitator, they decided that we were going to take a group hike down to the river and go sit by the waterfall down there. And as we prepared for this hike, I had this thought come up that I wanted to do the hike naked, and all of the jungle gabrielhood is clothing optional, which is so amazing, and it's hundreds of acres. And so to just have all that space to wander naked around is such a gift, and so freeing. And so I decided, you know, to be naked. And it was funny, because everyone was arriving to go on this hike, and they all had their shorts and their tennis shoes and their water bottles, and I literally had nothing and no shoes, no nothing. And so we started doing this hike, and I was just feeling the mud underneath my feet. There was a gentle rain coming down, and I was so present to the beautiful, lush trees and plants, and it was a silent hike. I forgot to mention that the invitation was for us to do it in silence. So I'm really connecting with the land. And I had an intention before we started that hike, to get some insights around what I might be working on, and I then I forgot about the that intention, and just tried my best to be really present and to feel the ground beneath my feet, feel the earth, and feel the air on my skin and the light rain on my skin, and look at the beautiful trees, and kind of let my mind go silent, and then out of nowhere, this memory popped into my head where I was nine years old and I was playing baseball, and it wasn't T ball anymore, right? So it was like baseball where you actually have to swing the bat out of pitch. I guess that's normal baseball but, but I remember enjoying T ball because there was a little T and you just hit the ball. But then when I graduated into the realm of hitting a pitch, that was really scary for me. And I was always afraid of the ball. And my dad is a big baseball fan, and so I think it was a little disappointing to him that I was not the best at baseball, and I remember that day, this memory that was coming up for me. I remember that day I was up at bat, and the ball hit me, and that was kind of the fear that I always had, but it hit me, and I didn't get hurt. I didn't feel hurt. And when you get hit, as many of you know who know baseball, when you get hit by the ball, you get to take first base, and this is my first time getting on base. So I actually felt really excited and really proud that I was getting on base. And so I looked to see where my dad was to, you know, connect with him and be excited that I was getting on base, and then I realized that he was in the parking lot, and he was actually there, I found out later, just listening to the Padres game, drinking beer, and he had decided to do that instead of watching me play, because I was. Playing so poorly,
and you know, I had this memory, and I felt a lot of shame having that memory, and I felt a lot of sadness having that memory, and that memory sparked more memories where I started to realize that although I had a really good relationship with my dad, and I still do have a really good relationship with my dad, and I love my dad, and he's a very kind man, and was a really fun, playful father, like I really enjoyed being around him. He wasn't abusive any any way, and he was around for me to connect with, but he wasn't emotionally supportive in the way that I needed him to be he wasn't able to love me in the way that I would have preferred him to love me, where he was actually physically affectionate with me and and spoke His love and support to me. I don't remember ever hearing him say that he loved me, and I actually don't recall us saying I love you to each other until I came out of the closet. That was the first time I have a memory, a recollection of him saying I love you, which is a beautiful time to hear I love you from your father, and I'm aware that that just wasn't part of our relationship, this emotional connection, where we were expressing our love and care for each other. And so what I acknowledged also was that perhaps part of why he wasn't able to give me that emotional support and physical affection was his own internalized homophobia, and perhaps him having a son who was more effeminate and who was more drawn to things like theater and art rather than baseball and fishing, the things that he loved, perhaps that triggered him a little bit, and he felt like he needed to create some distance between me and him. I also am aware that his mother died when he was very young, and so it's possible that he was also emotionally stunted, and so he just didn't have access to those things, and just wasn't comfortable using that language. Even though he felt love for me, he just wasn't able to say it and express it. And so these memories were coming back. The other memory that came back was this memory of being in eighth grade and losing all my friends because these girls started rumors about me being gay, and how at that time, I also didn't feel safe to go to my parents because I didn't want them to know that I might be gay, even though I wasn't fully embracing that, I just was afraid to share that with them. And so this was the beginning of me really realizing that, yes, there is a father wound that I have not addressed. And what I started to think about next was, how might I be able to address it? So we did the hike. We had an amazing time at the river. We came back, and I started to really get curious about what opportunity there might be to start to heal this father wound. And what ended up happening was there was a ritual at the retreat where we were set up with a partner. It was a ritual that took place at night, and we were able to go into role play with this partner. And for many, that looked like very sexually charged role play, but for me, because of what I was looking to heal, it was not sexually charged, but it was a role play that happened where I set up me and my partner to do a role play around my relationship with my father. And that
role play really created the possibility for me to essentially have a reparenting experience and to create new memories of a loving relationship with my father, a relationship where my father was able to express his emotions, was able to be affectionate with me and supportive of me, and to love and accept me exactly as I am, and to express unconditional love for me, and it was beautiful, and I cried a lot, and my partner held me as I cried, and he stroked my hair and and just held me and made me feel safe and loved and supported, and it was just a really profound experience, and the space that was held for us was so beautiful and powerful. And I went to bed that night and I knew some some major work had been done. Some major healing had happened. But what really helped me know that was the next day I woke up, and the words you are loved were just echoing through my head, and I just heard that again and again, you are loved, you are loved. You are loved, you are loved. And I started saying it out loud, and I could just feel it. I could feel it so deep, this knowing how loved I am, how worthy of love I am. And I was feeling that love. I was feeling this expansion in my heart, and I was feeling this aliveness, and I had an experience of some of my self doubt that I've held on to, shifting and I had this experience of just fully owning my worth, my value, my beauty, my talent, my intelligence, my just all the pieces of me, just being able to really love them and embrace the glory that is me, and that happened as a result of this experience. And so it was interesting. I still didn't really understand how this had anything to do with partnership, with romantic partnership. I knew that I had done what I was meant to do, and that's all that mattered. But I was having some interesting signs that this was still related to partnership. One of them was throughout the retreat. I kept seeing two cans. The two cans kept appearing around my cabin where I was staying, and I kept seeing them. And shawty said, I feel like those two cons have some kind of medicine for you. And then on the last day I was there, these two, two cons came, and they were right next to where I was staying, and I noticed that one would move to a tree, and then the other would follow it, and then kind of be on the lookout while that one was eating, and then it would move a little more and it would the other would be on the lookout, and they were right near me, checking me out and everything. And I did a quick Google search, and what I found was that the toucan, when they find partnership, they are life partners. And so I was like, oh, man, it feels like this is a good sign. So I got home, and my intention was, okay, you know, maybe what I need to do is, like, go on the dating apps and change my profiles and really, like, give this partnership thing some more attention. I never got around to it, but what I did do is I started working on this retreat that I have that's happening this weekend, actually, at the time that I'm recording this in Joshua Tree. And so I went to work on that retreat, and I went back, and I reached out to someone who had commented after a former retreat that I did in Marin County. And I just reached out to him because he had mentioned that he was in Southern California. And I just said, like, Hey, I'm doing one in Southern California. If you want to hear about that one, let me know. And then we were DMing on Facebook, and he expressed that he didn't think that a retreat was what he was looking for. He's seeking spiritual community that's more local, but, you know, maybe we could talk anyways. And I said, yeah, let me see if there's something I can do to serve you, to support you. And I'm always just curious if I come in connection with someone, I'm always curious why. I always feel like there's going to be some kind of reason, some kind of purpose in connecting. And so I tend to take meetings even when I'm not exactly sure what is going to come of them. And so we got on a zoom and as soon as his picture appeared on the Zoom screen, and then his actual face appeared, I immediately felt a connection. I immediately felt drawn to him. I immediately felt like a familiarity with him and a pull to be with him in some way. And so we finished the zoom, and we talked about spirit, and we talked about the things that we had planned to talk about. And at the end of it, I said, you know, I'd love to zoom with you again sometime, because I knew that I was feeling this, this pull, this draw to him, and I felt like it, it was a romantic pull, and I didn't want to say that, because it was more of a businessy call, but I just expressed that I wanted to zoom again, and then he kind of took it up a notch and said, I'd really like to come see you. And so we ended up meeting up at the full moon a few days later, and our first date was on the full moon, and things quickly progressed, and we became boyfriends very shortly after that. And let me just remind folks in who are listening to this story that this happened days after I got back from Costa Rica, and it didn't happen with me trying to find that partner. It happened purely in. Critic way. And I then started to put some pieces together, and as I started this relationship with this amazing man who I'm so in love with, who is just such a blessing, just the most amazing, amazing partner anyone could ever ask for. As I started this relationship, I was aware of how adoring he was. He is effusive. He's very, very loving. He's got a big, generous heart, and he's not afraid to express his love. And what I noticed was that this love that he was pouring, he was pouring into me in the past, would have had me put my walls up. It would have occurred as clingy. In the past, it would have occurred as too much overwhelming. And it was because of this work that I'd done on healing my father wound, that I was able to just receive His love, that I was able to just be in this space of adoration and love and to not shut down, not close off my heart. And as a result, I've been able to keep moving forward in this relationship, and it's been going really amazingly well. And again, I'm just so so thrilled, so grateful. It's only a month and a half or so that we've been together, but it feels very organic. It feels very powerful and strong. And there's so many synchronicities I feel like he and I, at some point might do an episode just about synchronicities, using our relationship and the beginning stages of it as an example of of synchronicities and following the signs of synchronicities. But that's another podcast episode, but this one is to just share that I really found that healing that father wound set me up to be in love, set me up to connect with my now partner, set me up energetically to align with my partner. And that is so special and so magical and such a beautiful orchestration of spirit, such a beautifully spirit guided journey that I've gotten to be on and so, yeah, I've been on the journey for long enough that I felt okay about sharing it with you all. And I share it in part to invite you to consider if there might be some wounds that you have not yet healed, and to consider maybe there's even a father wound that you haven't been able to see, and to open your eyes to that possibility. Because if there is a wound, a father wound, or other wounds, our work here is to our work and play, and invitation is to address those things, to find creative ways to address those things. And there's so many different ways. And spirit has many, many opportunities for you to to heal and transform, if we just listen to our intuition, listen to the opportunities that that spirit will create for us, and then when we follow that guidance, and we do the work and we heal what we're meant to heal, then these beautiful life opportunities open up for us. And this story, I believe, is a testament to that I am so grateful for Shadi and Simon for the retreat that they held, for the jungle gay bird for hosting it. I'm so grateful for my guides for leading me to that retreat. I'm so grateful for my partner at that retreat who did that role play with me. I'm so grateful for my boyfriend, Jamie, for showing up in the ways he has shown up. And I'm so grateful for this journey that I'm on, and I'm grateful for you all for sharing it with me. So thank you so much for listening, and I hope this was inspiring to you all, or gave you some new information, some new insights that might help you on your journey, and I leave you with those words that were echoing through my head and my heart the day after that healing ritual, you are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
Oh, my God, as beloveds, what a joy it was to be with you today. Let's hang out again soon. Okay? And if you can think of a friend who would benefit from hearing this, please share it with them, sending so much love and light to you today and every day until next time. Peace you.

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